Funny quotes

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
Yul Brynner

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.
Les Dawson

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
Ogden Nash

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Unknown

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
E. DeGeners

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle

Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Steven Weinberg

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Anonymous

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Unknown

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Thomas Paine

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
Aimee Mullins

Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Anonymous

God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.

Ask no questions. Hear nor lies.

If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.
Marilyn Monroe

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Yogi Berra

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
George Globol

I both love and do not love and am mad and not mad.

I got caught kissing, like by my parents. It was so horrible. It’s so embarrassing, I’m blushing.

TV has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers

Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good.
Cuban Proverb

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one.
Bill Gates

When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
Peter F. Drucker

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
Yogi Berra

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
Dave Allen

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Unknown

Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
Unknown

Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life.
Unknown

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment.

Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.

If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my a$$.

Teacher ends the class early with “okay that’s enough for today; I need to update my face-book status.

Congrats on getting married… (Inside card) – It’s not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
Henny Youngman

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”.
William S. Burroughs

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Unknown

Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Unknown

Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.

As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.
Hell’s angels

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.

May I be excused? My brain is full.

Why go to college? There’s Google.

Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
Demetri Martin